How to Have Difficult Conversations: 8 Tips for Navigating Uncomfortable (But Necessary) Talks

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Difficult conversations are never fun—whether you need to resolve a tricky work conflict, end a relationship, or ask for help, you can probably think of at least one conversation that you’re putting off right now.

Yet, some things just need to be said, and while you might not jump for joy at the thought of saying them, there are some things you can do to make the situation easier on everyone involved.

How to Have Difficult Conversations

Use these 8 tips to make difficult conversations a little easier on everyone involved.

What to Do Before…

Before you meet or pick up the phone, you’ll want to be sure to do the following:

1. Make a plan.

You don’t need to write an entire script detailing every word you’re going to say—but you should brainstorm an outline of the main points you want to bring up, and any key phrases that you feel are essential.

Make sure you have thought out your goals for the conversation. What is the desired outcome for you? How can you best structure the conversation in a way that will get you to that goal?

By creating a plan, you’ll be able to stay focused and avoid getting side-tracked by the other person’s reactions.

If you’re thrown a curveball (perhaps because the other person emotionally reacted), try to stay focused on the main points you planned and make sure you still get to say what you needed to say.

You should also plan to have the conversation at a time that works for everyone involved, and in a place that everyone is comfortable with.

2. Take a few deep breaths.

To prepare for a difficult conversation, take a few deep breaths to help you calm down and ensure that you’re able to make clear, collected arguments.

This will help you to give a more confident delivery, in case you’re feeling jittery about starting the conversation; or, even if you already feel confident and aren’t nervous at all about the meeting, taking some time to relax will help you to stay calm in case you get any unexpected reactions.

Likewise, if you’re initiating the conversation because you’re upset about something, start with a calm, level mind so you can communicate more effectively, and not let your emotions get the best of you.

During…

Try to keep these things in mind while you’re in the thick of the conversation.

3. Use “I” statements.

Using “I” statements, such as “I feel,” “I think,” or “I’ve noticed” can reduce the chances of a defensive reaction from the other person.

Starting your statements with “you” can make the other person feel under attack, which means they’ll be less open and receptive to your thoughts.

This can lead to more tension and emotionally charged responses that will distract from the ultimate goal of the conversation.

4. Be direct.

As scary as it can be to start a difficult conversation, it’s very important that you remain direct in your delivery.

Don’t beat around the bush or try to soften things so much that your point gets lost in translation. Again, this is another reason why you need a plan (see tip #1): no matter what is said (unless you genuinely change your mind during the conversation), stick to your guns and say what you came to say.

In conveying your desired outcome, focus on communicating what you want, not just what you don’t want.

It can certainly be tempting to throw out some of the things you planned to say in order to avoid conflict and keep everything rosy, but you’d be doing a disservice to yourself and the other party, because you’ll likely just build up resentment, but by the time those feelings eventually bubble over, it’ll be too late to bring it up again.

5. Be empathetic.

That being said, you should make sure your direct approach is balanced with an empathetic tone. Try to think of how the other person might feel throughout the conversation by putting yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if you were on the other end of what you plan to say?

If you see them struggling with what you’ve said, give them a moment to collect themselves and process what’s happening.

Don’t be overly harsh, and watch your language: even if things start to escalate, do all you can to control your temper. Don’t yell or use vulgar language. You might end up saying something you’ll regret and have to apologize for later.

6. Give the other person a chance to talk.

You should say what you intended to say, but avoid going off on a long diatribe. Once you’ve said your piece, give the other person a chance to respond or ask questions.

If you aren’t sure that the other person has fully grasped the point of your conversation, you can also ask clarifying questions to check their understanding.

7. Be prepared to not get your way.

Be prepared for the possibility that the conversation won’t go exactly the way you planned, or that you might not get the reaction you expected. Some things—like the reactions of others—are simply beyond your control.

But you can control your reactions, so keep a calm focus and accept that things won’t necessarily go the way you’d hoped. The important thing is that you made your feelings known and can hopefully get some closure so you can move forward.

After…

And once the toughest part is over, it’s time to decide what’s next.

8. Decide how to move forward.

Once the hardest part is over, and assuming you’re both in the right state of mind for thinking about the future, you should have a plan for moving forward.

What is the outcome of this conversation? Can you both agree on a next step? Make sure these things are communicated clearly and that everyone is on the same page.

How Do You Stay Calm in a Difficult Conversation?

Before initiating a difficult conversation, a quick meditation session can really help to calm your nerves and keep you focused.

Take a few deep breaths, and review your plan and the key points you want to mention during your conversation. Remember that you can’t control how the other person will react, but you can control you actions and be the bigger person.

Navigating Difficult Conversations

To successfully navigate a difficult conversation, you’ll need the right mix of assertiveness and empathy.

For more posts on improving your communication in all your relationships, check out our post on how to communicate effectively.

Do you have any tips for handling difficult conversations? Share them with us in the comments below!

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