How to Deal with Rejection: 6 Tips for Moving Onward and Upward

The pain of rejection can make you feel like throwing in the towel and giving up, whether your search for love, a new job, or just some quality time with a certain person.

So how do some people seem to “take it all in stride” so easily? Do they have some kind of superpower the rest of us mere mortals lack?

It’s not easy, and you may not feel like it’s possible now, but with a little practice you can learn to view rejection as a learning experience that will help you grow and find even better opportunities.

Why Rejection Hurts

If you’ve ever felt the “sting” of rejection, you should know that the pain you feel is actually real. A University of Michigan study used scans to show that rejection activates the same parts of your brain that physical pain does.

This means that the pain we feel as a result of rejection most likely has an evolutionary advantage. Back when we lived in tribes, rejection was a threat to our survival, since it usually meant being cast out of the group, and chances of surviving outside the tribe back then were slim to nothing.

Therefore, the fear and pain of rejection actually saved our butts. We adapted our behaviors to avoid being ostracized and expelled from the group.

This all goes to show that the pain of rejection is real (so you shouldn’t feel like a wuss for getting your feelings hurt), but also has a purpose (to help you learn a lesson, adjust your sails, and move on).

Unfortunately, we don’t just experience the pain of rejection at being cast out from our tribes anymore—we feel its sting when we’re turned down for a date, passed over for a job, or our messages are left on “read” for weeks.

Still, regardless of the cause, there are lessons we can learn from the sting of rejection that will help us move forward, rather than getting stuck in the shadows.

How to Deal with Rejection

Follow these 6 steps to turn what may feel like bad news into positive growth.

1. Accept the situation.

This first step might be the hardest, but it’s necessary to start coping with rejection in a healthy way. Accept the situation for what it is. You might find yourself thinking, “This shouldn’t have happened” or imagining all the things you could have done differently to prevent the rejection.

It’s hard to believe now, and it may be a cliché, but this rejection really will lead you to where you were meant to be.

2. Give yourself time to process your feelings.

Having just explored the science behind why rejection hurts almost as much as physical pain, you should take a breather to acknowledge that hurt and process your feelings. Give yourself permission to be sad and work through your emotions. Things like journaling or talking to a trusted friend can really help.

Yes, you’ll eventually have to “get back up” and brush yourself off, but taking some time to reflect on the situation (and even do a little wallowing) can actually do some good.

For one, you need time to process those feelings so you don’t just brush everything under the rug, only for those feelings to come bubbling up in unhealthy ways later.

Second, taking that time to process will hopefully lead you to some insights that will guide your next and future steps.

3. Examine your role in the rejection.

Many times, like when you’ve been turned down for a date, the reason for your rejection was beyond your control. It’s in these cases that we know we shouldn’t take it personally, but of course, that’s usually easier said than done.

However, if you notice that you’re no longer getting invited to office happy hours, or if a family member seems to be avoiding you lately, think back on your last interactions with that person or group of people. (This can also apply if you weren’t chosen for a job, your manuscript was rejected by a publisher, etc.)

Do your best to recall the interaction as accurately as you can. Try to replay what you said or did, and how the other party reacted. Is there anything you could do differently next time?

This still doesn’t mean that the rejection was your fault, or that the other party had zero responsibility. In some cases, the other person might just not be interested (their loss!), or the publisher might not be looking for your genre at the moment.

The point of this exercise is simply to make you pause and reflect on whether or not you could have done something differently. Maybe you couldn’t, and that’s ok. Or maybe you could, but at least you’ll know better in the future.

4. Stop the spiral of shame.

So, let’s say you did some reflecting and realized there were some things you should have done differently.

It’s easy get caught up in negative self-talk. You might catch yourself thinking things like, “I’m such an idiot!” or “No one will ever like me again!”

But statements like these are harmful, unnecessary, and most likely not true at all anyway. Plus, if you think like this, you’ll end up throwing a self-pity party for one, and by focusing on statements of who you are, you won’t be able to focus on what you can actually do to change the situation.

If these thoughts arise, try to focus on your actions, because those can be changed, and most likely the problem is

5. Surround yourself with love.

If you’ve just been hit with a rejection—no matter the kind or who was at fault—it always helps to spend some time with loved ones.

Call up a friend or relative, or meet them for a cup of coffee. If you feel up to it, tell them about what happened. They might be able to provide helpful insight and help you to see things more clearly, especially if you’re beating yourself up.

If you can’t meet up with anyone, focus on you. Invest some time in self-care by taking a bubble bath, meditating, or just doing the things you love.

6. Make a list of your best qualities.

The point of this exercise is not to needlessly pump up your ego and make you arrogant, but to help you recover more quickly and allow you to recognize the strengths that you do bring to the table.

Don’t let your inner critic get the best of you and keep you paralyzed with fear or depression so that you never try for future opportunities again.

Remind yourself of all your best qualities, and remember that someone—whether it’s an employer or a romantic interest—will be looking for exactly what you have.

7. Make it a learning experience, and move on.

Finally, the most important part of dealing with rejection is making the situation a learning experience. Regardless of the reason for the rejection, there’s almost always something to be learned.

Maybe you’ll dress more professionally to your next job interview. Or maybe you’ll learn that you weren’t someone’s cup of tea, but that’s ok, because you’ll be available when the right person who appreciates all your great qualities comes along (and they will!).

Keep Your Confidence

Rejection sucks—there’s no doubt about that. But you should never let it define you. Work on building your confidence and self-awareness so that when rejections do happen, you can view them as learning experiences and move on.

For more tips that will help you reach your goals, check out our post on overhauling your mindset for success.

Did you find this post helpful? Let us know in the comments below!

 

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